Avalon Lockhart and Pissing Off the Professors
by AvalonLockhart
Summary: In which Avalon pisses off the professors at Hogwarts.


This is the story of the day Avalon Lockhart (the formally unknown daughter of novelist Gilderoy Lockhart) decided to channel Lauren Cooper for a day. The trouble (or genius) of her plan was many students and professors were witch- and wizard-born, so they didn't know the reference. Sadly not even Muggleborn students and professors would get the joke, as it was something that was more recent. The plan was both good and bad—no one would see her brilliance but no one would call her out on her troublemaking. Though Avalon herself was wizard-born, she grew up in the Muggle world. She loved TV, so getting the chance to play out a scene as one of her favorite characters was an opportunity that she just couldn't pass up.

Now, readers should know that Avalon was mostly a good student. Sorted into Hufflepuff, she'd proven time and again that she knew the rules and went along with them easily. She played well with others and was an active planner of game nights in the Hufflepuff common room. Of course, like any other teenager in the upper years of Hogwarts, Avalon had her rebellious moments of sneaking into the Owlery to send letters to her Ravenclaw best friend and joining in on a number of the Weasleys' minor pranks. She was smart enough, however, to not ever get caught.

But something changed one particular early winter morning. Avalon stammered instructions to her work partner in the freezing potion master's dungeon, keeping her hands as close to the couldron's fire as possible. Snape was being... well Snape-ish as usual as he stalked between the students, sneering at some, and simply walking away briskly from the lucky few who were actually doing things right. It didn't seem to matter whether Avalon made a perfect batch of Level 7 Healing Potion or the lumpiest of soups, Snape always had something to say to her. It didn't help that from the very beginning Snape insisted Neville Longbottom be her partner. Though his reasoning was alphabetical order, he allowed Luna to work with Hannah Abbot. Avalon wasn't a Ravenclaw, but she would bet her Cleansweep 9 that L and A fell nowhere near each other on the alphabet. Avalon liked Neville well enough. He was a sweet boy, but she found it difficult to remember this when the two of them failed every in-class test Snape gave them.

"Lockhart, Longbottom, what pathetic excuse for a potion do you offer me today, hm?"

"W-We still have t-twenty minutes, Pr-Professor," Neville stammered, nervous around the man still, even after he imagined him in all of his Gran's clothing, "it isn't f-finished."

"Oh stop that drivvel you stupid boy," Snape all but growled at him, causing Neville to shrink slightly. Avalon felt bad for him. "And you..." Snape continued on, looking at Avalon with utter disdain at having to even be in her presence, "the potion. Feed it to your cat. Or your... creature formally known as a owl."

Avalon looked at her Transfiguration disaster, sad that she _still_ hadn't figured out how to reverse the spell on her beloved owl, now a strange winged catlike being. In some ways Hedwig 2 was better for it, but sometimes she could tell that this form hurt her pet. She scowled slightly at Snape when his back turned long enough to snap at Luna, telling her to pay attention. She then looked back at her pet, afraid to give it the potion. Neville had added too much earthworm blood, turning the mixture a pale green instead of a deep maroon like her book had illustrated. She wasn't sure what that would do now.

"I'm waiting, Lockhart. Are you afraid of your failure? Are the rumors true, that you're just... like him?"

Avalon's blood boiled. She was still undecided on how she felt about her heritage, but that didn't mean that other people had the right to trod on it. She wanted to get angry, to curse and lose points for Hufflepuff, but she clicked her tongue and sat back. "Oh!" Avalon said lightly. "This isn't a potion, sir."

"No?" Snape said, arching a pointed brow. He wasn't amused so much as curious. Not that he would tell any of the ingrates this.

"Nope! This," Avalon gestured to the cauldron before her while Neville whimpered beside her, "is something we've come up with. It's actually for your hair, sir, as opposed to all that grease."

"Oh god," Neville moaned as the room went silent.

"Pretending you didn't just say that-"

"Oh no sir. I said it," Avalon replied with a fake cheerful expression. "You like to pretend, though, don't you sir?"

"Avalon..." Neville murmured in her ear, "Shut up!"

"Well, you can't continue to pretend that your hair looks good like that."

"Stop it!" Neville hissed.

"Yes, listen to Longbottom before I force a memory eraser down your throat that is so powerful that your father will be a bloody GENIUS compared to you."

There was a small titter of laughter as Avalon sat still, her lip puckered slightly in anger before she took in a deep breath. "I ain't bovvered."

"What?"

"I ain't bovvered, though."

"Avalon-"

"Look at my face."

"Stop-"

"Look at my face, though."

"Twenty points from-"

"Look! Face-"

"Av-"

"Bovvered-No look!"

"How dare-"

"Cauldron! Look-face—bovvered-"

"Why you-"

"Look—face—bovvered. 'Bottle fame, stopper on death.' Lookit m'face-" Avalon then took in a deep breath

"Polyjuice Potion

12 lacewing flies that have been stewed for 21 days

1 ounce of crude Antimony

4 leeches that have been "unsucculated" (possibly meaning their suckers have been removed)

16 scruples of fluxweed that were picked at full moon

3 drachms of pulverised Sal Ammoniac

Pulverised blades of knotgrass

1 pinch of powdered horn of a Bicorn that has been "lunar extracted" (possibly meaning that, like the fluxweed, its collection time coincided with certain lunar conditions)

Filings and rasplings of Saltpeter, Mercury and Mars ("filings of Mars" may mean iron filings, as the symbol for the planet Mars, , is also used to signify the element of iron)

Shredded dried skin of a Boomslang

Extract of The-Transfigured-Being-To-Be (which means a piece of the person one wants to change into, typically hair)"

Breathing in for more air, Avalon stood up and leaned over the table, the heat of the cauldron hot on her arm, but she didn't care as she finally bellowed, "I'm tellin' you, grease monkey, I AIN'T BOVVERED!"

"The Polyjuice Potion is far too advanced for an imbecile such as yourself, however, you obviously found a way to sneak into the Restricted section for the book it's in. It was YOU who stole ingredients from me last year, wasn't it? No matter. Either way, I'll have you expelled, and I'll be rid of you Lockharts for good. Dumbledore's office. Now."

Snape's tone was so quiet and calm that even Avalon with her newfound courage was left speechless now that the hot air had been released. She knew that Dumbledore would be lenient with her no matter what the crime, but she knew she had to leave before Snape went crazy or something.

"It's bloody cold in here anyway," she said, gathering her things and leaving the dungeon. Guilt washed over her at the realization that Neville now had to endure the wrath of Snape on his own, all because she had to run her big mouth and show off a little bit. "Damn," she muttered when she heard a yell from behind her from Neville himself. She had to find a way to make it up to him somehow. There was a Hogsmeade trip in a couple of weekends. Nothing said 'I'm sorry Snape wants to kill you because of me' like a bucket load of Chocolate Frogs. She'd figure something out, but for now, she had to worry about her fate as she went to face the music. She smiled when she got closer to the Headmaster's office. "That was pretty epic, though..." she murmured to herself.


End file.
